My Foster Son Learning the Meaning of "Sad" (Vivienne Ng)

Our foster son C only learnt the meaning of "sad" at 4 yrs 10 mths (this April). Sure, he had learnt the word cos we had explained it to him in books; he could demonstrate a sad face; & he definitely would have had experienced sad feelings... But somehow he just never put two and two together.

C is blessed with a sunny, cheerful and engaging disposition (those of u who have met him would agree), hardly ever crying or showing any low mood in the 1.5 years with us. However, he is often disruptive at school and aggressive with friends, with his behavior escalating since last November.

Previously, whenever I asked C if he misbehaved cos he was angry or sad, he would readily agree with me with a deadpan expression on his face. Soon, he started using "feeling sad or angry" as an excuse every time he hurt others, to the extent that I even wondered to my colleagues if he had "callous emotional traits".

In April, a week before it finally clicked for him, C cried just briefly one night after access with his mommy. This was highly uncharacteristic of him cos, for over a year, he had not displayed any emotion either meeting or leaving her.

A week after the crying incident, his childcare principal called (yet again) about his unmanageable behaviour. C had been exceptionally disruptive that day. In addition to hurting his friends, he had pushed tables around and was biting himself. As he had never done that before, I dropped everything at work and rushed over to check on him.

When I got there, his principal and I sat together down with C and I asked him, "Why are u misbehaving, C?". C remained silent, his eyes glazed over.....

"Is it cos you're sad?", I prompted, concerned about his unresponsiveness.

He parroted me immediately with little affect, "Yes, it's cos I'm sad."

Frustrated by his lack of emotion and the flippant way he again excused his behaviors, I was just about to reprimand him, when suddenly I paused and wondered aloud, "C, do u know what "sad" is?"

C looked blankly at me. It suddenly dawned on me that because he was so rarely sad and I had hardly any opportunity to help him label that feeling whenever it occurred, it might be that he did not really comprehend..

I thought back over the year. Sure, he had cried several times over the year when scolded harshly or when frustrated. But he had never cried when leaving us or his mommy (except for that one occasion) or when we removed a toy or a privilege as a consequence for misbehavior. He just cheerfully accepted it all....

"C", I said slowly and gently, "'Sad'" is like when u cried last week after you left your mommy. U remember? That's called being sad. Is that how u are feeling that right now?"

To the astonishment of his principal and me, he instantaneously burst into tears. I gathered him into my arms and he hugged me and sobbed loudly for 15 min, with the principal looking on. He had finally understood what he was feeling and had a label for it!

I wished I could say his behavior in childcare improved after that, but it continued to deteriorate over the next few weeks until he was finally expelled (really thank God that I was able to find another school quickly).

Since that day, C has been crying often about his mommy. While still exuberant and happy during the day, whenever it comes time to say our nightly prayers, he frequently starts tearing in the darkness and stillness of his bedroom. Lying next to me, he will wrap his arms around my neck and say softly, "I miss my mommy, I feel sad".

We will utter a prayer together for his mommy, asking God to protect and hep her. Then, with tears coursing down his cheeks, he might wail "mommy, mommy" or "I want mommy" without pausing for a good 5-15 min.

Each time, it is such an outpouring of grief and deep longing for this mommy whom he hardly knows. All I do during these bouts is to hold him and keep whispering, "I know u are sad, u miss your mommy. Your mommy loves u, she is trying v hard. I love u, we will take care of you until your mommy can take u home, etc". And I always pray for him silently in my heart - that God will guard his heart so that it would never get so broken or hardened that he wouldn't let anyone else in.

During the worst of this grieving process, he would hug me and sob loudly for 20-30 min every single night. The frequency and intensity of his crying has decreased a little now. We also had the recent breakthrough (in my last post), where he was able to start processing his guilt feelings and hear from me that it was not his fault that he can't live with his mommy.

My persistent prayer for him is that he can reunite with his mommy and be reintegrated back home soon. Meanwhile, it breaks my heart to hear him sob several times a week for a mommy he has not lived with for almost 4 years...